Development of self

Have you ever noticed that people are in constant need of validation? Feedback from the world around them in the form of a compliment, a smile, and even sometimes jealousy. The need to be understood in ones own experience. To have at least one person to understand and to agree can make it okay. Why is it that most of us do not have internal validation? Why do we look to others to let us know that we are okay? We long for the connection with others in our experiences, mainly as a way to be validated. Being validated is correlated with our sense of self worth. If enough people can see things our way, can understand why we do and say the things we do, we must be worth something in this world to someone. It is ironic to think that we come into the world alone, and go out of this world alone, but from the moment that we are born, we begin making connections with the people in our world, needing to be accepted and understood, and most of all responded to positively and taken care of. This begins in infancy, and continues throughout our lives. As infants, we cry and hope that somebody will feed us, change, us, hug us, soothe us. When they do, we begin to feel validated, and worth something. As a toddler, we test the limits of the ones who love us unconsciously wondering, will they tolerate me, will they still love me, set limits for me, and understand that these difficult behaviors are a positive part of my development of self, gently guiding me, letting me know that I am worth their time and that they believe in me. As a school age child, it comes in the form of needing validation from our teachers and peers, report cards, making friends,playing sports. Each of these experiences can validate a child, and develop their sense of self worth, depending on the feedback of those around them. Will they cheer me on, recognize my efforts, let me know that it is okay to make mistakes? There is no greater time in a person's life where a person needs validation more than during adolescence. The need to fit in, be accepted, good enough, worth it, liked by others, allowed a chance to prove our worth, to be admired by others, building or destroying our sense of self worth. This need for validation continues into early adulthood. Searching for someone to love us, to become "one" with. Someone who can accept us and give the validation that we need by needing us, wanting to spend time with us, making us feel desired, and worth something to someone. Some people search for their whole lives for this validation and never quite get it. Some people have the gift of being able to elicit validation from others through what they do. And some are lucky enough to realize that the only validation that we truly need to in order to feel worth something, comes from within us. When we make our choices based on our true feelings and values, and are honest with ourselves, we can realize that we love ourselves and can be free to love others. As we grow, we begin to realize that when we truly love another, we don't depend on them to validate us anymore. We need to be able to validate ourselves in order to give love. Loving is giving and not receiving, love is accepting and not judging, love is believing and not questioning, love is admiration and not jealousy, love is being able to be with another while still being with your self, and accepting that some people will love you back, just because you are you!

choices

Everyday, we face hundreds of choices. What will I wear, which route will I take to get to work, am I going to have a positive attitude today or a negative one. Many times, we don't realize just how many choices that we have to make in a day. When you really think about it, it is empowering to know that we have so much say in what can happen in a a single day. Some people will disagree, and feel completely powerless in their lives, believing that they have never had a choice and never will, that they are a victim in the world in which things happen to. These people are reactive to the world around them instead of being proactive in the world around them...this is a choice. Now I m not suggesting that we are in control of everything that happens in our lives, because we are certainly are not. Actually, on the contrary,I have a complete awareness that your life can change drastically in just one second in time with not much choice at all. In one moment, everything can change, and you can be on a path that you never would have expected to be on. What I am suggesting is that even during the times in a persons life that are the most tragic, people have a choice about how they will respond to the tragedy, how they will choose a new path in their life, taking the road on the left or the road on the right. If you don't make the choice, it will be made for you, and you may not be comfortable with the result of that. When these situations present themselves to you, it is important to recognize that this is an opportunity for you to have a say in your life. My mother always said to me, "people do the best that they can with what they have", and boy does this prove to be true! Remember that when you come to a crossroad in your life, and even in the smaller choices that we make everyday, don't become paralyzed, afraid to make the wrong choice. Do the best that you can with what you have at that time, and make the choice for yourself. Don't allow life to happen to you, make it happen for you. Think about whether you are living your life reactively or proactively, and remember that at any point that can change because you do have a choice!

Letting go

Letting go. What an abstract concept. Once again, an idea that is talked about by people as if it a natural thing to do. It seems so unnatural to me that somebody would drop their only defenses, protections that were placed there in response to an attack on their self at one point in life or another. Anger, control, absolute independence, promiscuity, substance abuse, and supression of feelings to name a few of the most common defenses. It is kind of similar to a person running through a jungle, naked, with no weapons to protect themselves from a potential attack. Why would somebody do that? Those that have done this successfully, would probably say that it was the most freeing experience that they ever had, and would do it again. This is a rare possibility! Forgiveness? Is it really a good idea for a person to open themselves up to such a vulnerable state with no protection from potentially devastating pain that accompanies the relationship jungle? I have pondered these questions, and what I am realizing is that wherever there is happiness to be had, there is a risk. They go hand in hand in order to maintain a balance ans to keep people humbled. If a person chooses not to allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to experience the unpredictable weather and poisoness snakes in the jungle, they can never experience the beauty of the hidden waterfalls and exotic animals in the jungle either. They go hand in hand. With the good comes the bad. Is it worth it to you? It is a scary step to take, one that many people have never taken and never will. It is a huge risk,and takes a willingness to realize that even if you experience hurt and pain, you will be able to stand back up again, learning from that experience, gaining the ability utilize the strength that lies within you, to figure out a way. Nobody can take that strength away, and it can only get stronger through experiences.
Everyday is a new day they say. I try to wake up each day, and realize that it is a fresh start, living in the present day and not in the pain of the past or the "what ifs" of the future, realizing the past is a learning experience, and the future holds was much as I will allow it to offer to me. Some days it is easier than others to have this attitude, but I will not stop remembering that anything is possible, and knowing that there is a such thing as waterfalls as well as poisoness snakes that I might encounter, both of which I will embrace and manage when they present themselves to me. Welcome to the jungle, use flash photography at all times, and never keep your hands in the vehicle! Enjoy the ride!

The three parts of me

I guess my parents did a pretty good job of raising me, because until about 3 years ago, I never truly understood what people meant when they talked about mind, body, and spirit being the parts that make up a a whole person. I believe that this is the case because being brought up in the family that I was brought up in, all of these things were being nurtured in me and I always felt as one whole person. Then, life happened and I began to become aware of the seperate parts of me, because they were no longer in sync with one another. My mind began to question my spirit. My body began to do it's own thing. Each part began to work as a seperate part of me, disagreeing with the other part, competing to be in the star role of my life. This took on life of its own. For quite some time, my mind took the stage. I went to school and nurtured my mind, allowing it to have the final say in every facet of my life. My mind became very strong, keeping the other parts of me quietly at bay. Once in a while my spirit would speak up saying "hey what about me", and my body would pipe in saying "where did you go, you need to take care of me too". My mind was very selfish, but would ocasionally allow these parts to make an appearance with the occassional intimate moment with a loved one, a good cry, and a week of good excersize and healthy eating. But then the mind would relentlessly take over, and shove it's way back into the forefront ,stating "there is too much too be done to worry about these things" and the body and spirit would not question due to the strength of the mind, and so they would comply and quietly return to silence. Now having one part completely in charge, no conflicts, no questions, created a certain feeling of stability without question. However, no matter how hard I tried, I could never make the other parts of me go away! They would creep up in moments when I least expected, tricking my mind. The truth is that these parts were not actually weaker than my mind, they were just more strategic in their approach, only showing up when the time was right. So, when I finished my Graduate program, the mind became a little bored, and lost some of it's strength, and my body and spirit began to step in to compensate for this change. This sounds as if it would be a good thing, but it was different, and new, and uncomfortable to have to face that there were parts of me that were unsettled, had not been nurtured, and were in need of some recognition. It has been a challenge ,to say the least, to achieve a balance amongst the three parts of me. Everybody has a different formula to achieve and maintain the balance within themselves. I believe that my formula is to quiet the mind enough to allow my spirit some space to grow and be recongnized, and to allow my body to age gracefully and and healthily the way that a body is meant to age. To love my self as a whole person, and to allow the parts of me to begin to flow freely within me, working together to make me a stronger and happier me. Without recognizing and honoring the needs of all three parts, inner peace cannot be achieved. So if you find yourself in a place in your life where you are facing an inner struggle, feeling that there is is something missing, think about the three parts of you, and try to figure out which part is being neglected. Allow that part of you to shine, nurture it, listen to it, and you may begin to feel something within you that you didn't even know was there.

Perception is everything

I believe that there is no truth in this life, only perception. Unfortunately, the world operates according to the idea that there is a truth. We set rules and standards, and train our children to live by the rules which are based on a supposed truth. Where this becomes problematic, is when a person's perceptions are different than the truth of larger society. When somebody just understands their truth differently. That person will begin to ask questions like "what is wrong with me" or "what is wrong with this world". Again, these questions are based on the concept of truth, right and wrong. Generally speaking,we are not trained to think in terms of accepting that we are all built differently and think differently and understand differently and react differently to similar circumstances, and that is okay! We are socialized to believe that there is a right way to do things and a wrong way, and my perception is that this is just not working!!! If we can begin to accept and open our minds to the possibility that there are many truths, how many people would be freed from the relentless societal code of conduct. The roles that we are given at many different stages in our lives. The "good" kid, the "selfless wife", the "heroic" husband. There are rules for all of these roles that we fall into, and many people just follow despite their truths, in order to be accepted and to be percieved by others as succcessful. Sometimes this works out for people, but sometimes this is is the very thing that creates feelings of confusion and struggle within a person. Why am I not happy? I followed all of the rules along the yellow brick road to happiness, where the hell is the wizard??? Well, I am here to say folks, that the wizard lives within each of us. The wizard holds all of the answers to our individual and personal happiness, we just need to listen when the wizard speaks, and stop being so distracted by the flying monkeys and the Wicked Witch of the West. Heck, even that good witch can be annoying and distracting...portraying herslf as if she has no struggles at all. What the heck, why can't I just be like the good witch, she is perfect, there must be something wrong with me. But there isn't. We are all individuals who bring something unique into this world, and it was meant to be that way. So if we try to get away from these rigid ideas of right and wrong, good and bad, the world will become a more harmonious place to live in. A world where we embrace differences and agree to disagree, and stop judging others for what they choose to do with their lives. Because the truth is there is no truth only perception.

Boundaries of the heart

So balance is the key to life, but to achieve balance within your heart seems to be quite a challenge for most. What I have found is that people are often one of two ways when it comes to their heart, completely open and free flowing, or completely rigid and closed off. Now the difficulty with this, is that first leaves a person completely vulnerable to heartache, the other leaves the person completely alone, only letting those around them in so close before they run into a brick wall. Neither of these seem to be an ideal option to choose. So the question becomes, where is the middle ground, and how does one find it within themselves and around them? I wonder if having flexible boundaries might be the middle ground. If a person never allows themselves to be loved by another, they can never feel the moments of true happiness that come with true and unconditional love. However there is also pain and hurt that comes with this love. The thing is, with true love, the pain and hurt can be mended, and love will always rise up stronger than before. When a person locks the key to their heart, they eliminate the possibility of feeling pain within their heart, but also the feelings of passion and spiritual connectedness that only true and unconditional love can bring. That seems to me to be a lonely place to be, and people with a locked heart will do just about anything to keep it that way. They will find other ways to feel happiness, such as the use of substances, they will participate in one night affairs just to get a quick dose of only the desirable feelings of love, and they nearly always stay in control of relationships by giving bursts of love, but only enough to interest a person before they take it back. This protects them, and leaves them in charge of something that they are not meant to be in charge of, matters of the heart.
The alternative "bleeding heart", brings on a whole new concern. This is more like a slow death of self. When a person has no boundaries around their heart at all, what this means is that they do not pay attention to their sense of self. They give and give and give to take care of others, never asking for anything in return, but secretly hoping that some benefits will come and somebody will return the favors of a bleeding heart. It seems to make sense to a bleeding heart that others around them would reach out to take care of them and their needs, after all that is what they do for others. So they give and give, and wait and wait, until one day they get very angry and tired because nobody has responded to their unspoken needs. At this point, they make the switch to the locked heart. So in thinking about these two scenarios, what could change, what could be different to make a middle ground, a thriving heart? The troublee is, too often these two tpes are attracted to one anohter in relationsips, and they can never be oin the same place at the same time. The bleeding heart is attracted to the locked heart because they seem to have the most need to be taken care of, they could potentia;;y be the most rewarding person to be with because they need to learn to trust others due to being hurt before. What better person to teach them that people can give love than a bleeding heart? Do yousee where tis could become problematic? The locked heart loves the constant love reassurance that a bleeding heart will give, until one day the bleeding heart runs out of love because they are not being nurtured back, they are not having their spiritual needs met, they are not recieving refills of love that come in a balanced relationship. When the bleeding heart switches to a locked heart when they cannot give anymore, the original locked heart feels relived that they never opened their heart because they knew that this would happen, they knew that pain would come, and they are reasured that they have done the right thing by never opening their heart to this pain. Can you see the irony in this? Had both people found the middle ground, they could achieve the perfect balance together, and they could experience the joys and pains of a relationhsip together, not be lonely, share, smile, and cry together. Anger would be okay sometimes, and when things got messy, and either or both partners fell down, they could work together to pick things back up again and still manage to love. Easier said than done!

My Grandmother

Yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of my grandmother's death. I'm not sure why I didn't write about it yesterday, but I want to acknowledge her since she continues to have such a strong presence in my life. She was an amazing woman. I'm still not convinced that she wasn't a superhero (ha,ha)! The thing that stands out to me the most was her consistency in our lives, and everyone elses lives. She was so damn dependable! She would wake up at the same time every day, seemingly ready for anything that the day might bring her way. She always had a schedule to keep, and she always kept it! She spent her days doing things to take care of other people, and she never complained.....NEVER!!! She did everything from volunteer work at the nursing home, to picking up a small gift to bring to her grandchildren, to cleaning up the church, to bringing ice cream over every Sunday for my entire life!!! She once cut the grass with a pair of scissors because she wasnt supposed to use the mower! She once ripped out her IV in the hospital and snuck out the emergency exit to try to walk to a baby shower in another state that she didn't want to miss. When the police found her in the bushes in her Johnny, she told him "I'm not afraid of you" and she wasn't!! When she died and we were putting together her photo board, what struck me was that she had so many happy experiences in her lifetime. We had pictures of her on the swings with the kids, in the sandbox, at the zoo, mowing the lawn, caring for children, truly enjoying each experience. She took life and lived it, was a fantastic role model, and was the most giving selfless person that I have ever known!! I miss you and love you and can only hope to have a fraction of the energy and impact that you had. Thank you for these gifts that you gave me!

I'm not a superhero afterall

I remember as a child thinking that my parents were like superheros. They seemed to be invincible, all knowing, always rescuing others, couldn't be defeated by even the most evil forces. Looking back at that view, there is no wonder in my mind why I have held such high standards for myself as a parent. The fact of the matter is though, those are standards that no human could reach, and when I realized that one part of me was relieved, and the other part thought "that really sucks"! So I had to readjust my parenting goals just a little in order to make then reasonable and reachable. So what I have figured out so far, is this:
1. It is not my job to have all of the answers all of the time
2. It is okay for me to make mistakes as a parent as long as I am willing to recognize when it happens and say that I'm sorry. Hopefully I will learn not to make the same mistakes again.
3. It is not my job to protect my children from feeling hurt, disappointment, betrayal, or sadness, but it is my job to teach them how to cope with that hurt. Unfortunately, in this world everybody has to feel pain sometimes.
4. It is important to enjoy your kids and have relationship with them, not just maintain them. The more love and respect that you are able to give to them, the more they are able to pay it forward to others in the world.
5. It is okay for my kids to see me cry once in a while, just enough to let them know that it is okay to cry, and to show them how to pick up and move forward after you cry.
6. It is important to me to teach my kids how to be assertive in this world, to believe in their potential, and to listen to and trust their inner self to guide them.
This will be a continuous work in progress, as I am a continuous work in progress!

A journey from within

Well happy new year! This is the time of year when I take the time to reflect on where life has brought me, and to try to learn the lessons that have been placed into my life in the form of challenges. This year, I can say that the challenges that I have faced have often come from within. The challenge to forgive, the challenge to stay positive despite hardship, and the challenge to keep giving when I felt like I had no more to give. I have faced these challenges with great endurance at times, and have struggled to face them at others. During the times when I struggled, I have found that the strength of those around me was where I needed to turn for help. To accept the gifts of laughter and smiles from people who are in my life, and to embrace that positive energy from others when I was running a little low, has saved my spirit this year. So once again, balance is the key to living a happy life. I will continue on my inner journey to begin to identify what I am missing in my life and what I have too much of so that I can continue to strive for inner peace. I am making a promise to myself this year to allow myself to enjoy what is enjoyable to me. As always, I will continue on my quest to be the best parent that I can be for my children. And my New Years wish for them, is that they will always be surrounded by good people, because I realize that being surrounded by good people can get you through the toughest times!