Development of self

Have you ever noticed that people are in constant need of validation? Feedback from the world around them in the form of a compliment, a smile, and even sometimes jealousy. The need to be understood in ones own experience. To have at least one person to understand and to agree can make it okay. Why is it that most of us do not have internal validation? Why do we look to others to let us know that we are okay? We long for the connection with others in our experiences, mainly as a way to be validated. Being validated is correlated with our sense of self worth. If enough people can see things our way, can understand why we do and say the things we do, we must be worth something in this world to someone. It is ironic to think that we come into the world alone, and go out of this world alone, but from the moment that we are born, we begin making connections with the people in our world, needing to be accepted and understood, and most of all responded to positively and taken care of. This begins in infancy, and continues throughout our lives. As infants, we cry and hope that somebody will feed us, change, us, hug us, soothe us. When they do, we begin to feel validated, and worth something. As a toddler, we test the limits of the ones who love us unconsciously wondering, will they tolerate me, will they still love me, set limits for me, and understand that these difficult behaviors are a positive part of my development of self, gently guiding me, letting me know that I am worth their time and that they believe in me. As a school age child, it comes in the form of needing validation from our teachers and peers, report cards, making friends,playing sports. Each of these experiences can validate a child, and develop their sense of self worth, depending on the feedback of those around them. Will they cheer me on, recognize my efforts, let me know that it is okay to make mistakes? There is no greater time in a person's life where a person needs validation more than during adolescence. The need to fit in, be accepted, good enough, worth it, liked by others, allowed a chance to prove our worth, to be admired by others, building or destroying our sense of self worth. This need for validation continues into early adulthood. Searching for someone to love us, to become "one" with. Someone who can accept us and give the validation that we need by needing us, wanting to spend time with us, making us feel desired, and worth something to someone. Some people search for their whole lives for this validation and never quite get it. Some people have the gift of being able to elicit validation from others through what they do. And some are lucky enough to realize that the only validation that we truly need to in order to feel worth something, comes from within us. When we make our choices based on our true feelings and values, and are honest with ourselves, we can realize that we love ourselves and can be free to love others. As we grow, we begin to realize that when we truly love another, we don't depend on them to validate us anymore. We need to be able to validate ourselves in order to give love. Loving is giving and not receiving, love is accepting and not judging, love is believing and not questioning, love is admiration and not jealousy, love is being able to be with another while still being with your self, and accepting that some people will love you back, just because you are you!